Ministers in Scotland have approved a new bill that could see up to a third of its indigenous children gassed or shot by marksmen.
The controversial ‘child cull’ is seen as a necessary step in controlling booming children populations and limiting the spread of disease.
Children have become a significant problem for Scotland in recent years. They litter street pavements like damp leaves, shout incomprehensibly, lick doorhandles and are an ongoing nuisance for cows (spreading TB and head lice).
Ugly and stupid children will likely be first in the firing line, having been a particular thorn-in-the-side of Scottish tourism, with ministers describing how they line up along pavements mumbling and staring vacantly into passing cars.
Minister for Cleansing, Whitman Starch, has assured parents that any killings will be conducted humanely – children deemed suitable for execution will be tagged with an invisible UV spray, then snipers positioned on roof tops and bridges will neutralise targets with clean shots to the temple.
Gassing has been put forward as another option in cases where, as Starch puts it: “We can take out a lot of the buggers at once”, such as in the instance of a particularly ugly school classroom.
If successful the plan could soon be rolled out across England and Wales, with tax incentives offered to parents willing to take part in local trial schemes.
Do you have particularly ugly or stupid children? Do their hideous faces scare your pets? Do they shun books and instead stare dumbstruck at mind-rotting reality TV talent shows such as The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent? Do these child cull plans worry you or would you be glad to see the back of your leeching, idiot offspring once and for all? The Shoehorn would like to hear from you.