Suri Cruise visibly distressed by constant media harassment

Suri Cruise

Cheer up Suri!

Fears were growing last night over Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ four year-old daughter, Suri, as multiple photographs emerged which appeared to show her upset at being photographed by hordes of paparazzi.

In these photos, published exclusively in The Shoe Horn, little Suri can be seen attempting to hide her face from the cameras and looking decidedly gloomy.

In fact she was so frightened by the waves of strange men shouting her name and barging each other to take her picture that at one point she actually wet herself. This was revealed in a candid shot taken by freelance photographer Jacques Vautour as he lay on the pavement while she climbed out of her car.

He explained to us how he got the embarrassing pic:

suri cruise peek a boo


‘Suri’s parents have come in for a lot of criticism over their clothing choices for her, what with them letting her wear high heels and such. I wanted to get an upskirt photo of her to see if they were dressing her in underwear appropriate for her age. Obviously if she was wearing a thong or frilly french knickers or kid’s crotchless panties with ‘THIS CRUISE NEEDS A MISSILE’ emblazoned on the back that would be completely inappropriate and show a serious lack of judgement in Tom and Katie’s parenting.

‘Fortunately I was relieved to discover that they were just normal child’s knickers. Although I wasn’t the only one who was ‘relieved’. Little Suri was so shocked when she got out of that car to see me lying under her snapping away that she wet herself right then. The poor kid must have been terrified. My heart really went out to her. Got a great price for the photos though. They almost went for as much as the snaps I got of her in the bath when I broke into her house and hid in the attic. None of the main publications would print them, something about child pornography laws, but I got a lot of interest from some private bidders.’


The new book is available to buy now

In fact The Shoe Horn can today reveal that little Suri has been so shaken by the unremitting attention she has been receiving from the paparazzi that she has begun seeing a therapist, Dr Judith Twattenberg, who spoke to us earlier today:

‘I’ve been seeing Suri for some months now. Children of that age are ordinarily afraid of the dark but in Suri’s case she has developed a phobia of constant flashing lights. It’s extremely unusual and so far I’ve been unable to determine the root cause of this, but I’m pleased to say she seems to be coping much better since I put her on a course of valium. It’s actually designed specifically for children.

‘The pills are strawberry flavoured and come in the shape of Hannah Montana. You can read all about it in my new book, Suri, Our Time Is Up. It’s a tell-all exposé that reveals all of Suri’s most intimate thoughts and feelings and it’s available on amazon right now.’

We asked Dr Twattenberg if this wasn’t a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality but she was quick to reassure us that she isn’t a real doctor.

Hear no evil... Suri is adorable as she does her wise monkey impression

However these new revelations will do little to allay the criticisms of many that the tabloid media’s obsession with Suri is nothing more than a disturbing case of grown men harassing a vulnerable child.

This is a claim that is quickly dismissed by Mr Vautour: ‘Look, all celebs moan about the paparazzi but the fact is if she didn’t want all this attention then she shouldn’t have been born to famous parents.’

And with the vast sums of money photographers can make for the right picture there seems to be little chance of paps like Mr Vautour losing interest in little Suri, who is little.

In fact we paid hundreds of pounds for some of the pictures in this article and would have paid much more for the photo of Suri wetting herself but were outbid by a rival publication.

However it’s not all about money Mr Vautour assures us:

‘For myself and the other freelance photographers there’s a real sense of personal satisfaction that we get from this work. Before I became a professional photographer it used to be my hobby to stalk little girls and follow them around everywhere taking pictures of them. Unfortunately, however, this usually resulted in me being arrested or physically assaulted by their parents.

Suri! Suri! Suri! Suri! Suri! Suri! Suri!... Suri!

‘That was before I realised that as a professional paparazzo I could indulge my rather unusual proclivity to my heart’s content and not only not have to worry about getting a kicking from an angry mob but I actually get paid for it as well!

‘Nothing gives me and the other paps a buzz quite like thrusting our massive camera lenses into the face of a terrified little girl while shouting her name knowing that there’s nothing she can do about it. It’s the closest you can get to gang rape without actually touching them.’

So it looks like little Suri will just have to get used to the flashing lights. After all what little girl doesn’t enjoy being the centre of attention, and as Mr Vautour rightly says, if she didn’t like it maybe she shouldn’t have been born to famous parents.

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4 comments on Suri Cruise visibly distressed by constant media harassment

  1. penny smith
    / Reply

    she’s getting fat!

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  2. goebs
    / Reply

    it’s maddy, look at her. no wonder she’s hiding.

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  3. Terry from Plymouth
    / Reply

    Bring back the birch!

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  4. Aju John
    / Reply

    Poor girl.. She looks pleading… leave me alone mad guys.. lemme live. Please..

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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